Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

well this is just bullshirt

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

Yoga Matt

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Good news

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.