When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
kevin is now a local weatherman
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
