When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze