When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Who called it baking and not making love
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
What the hell is going on?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!