When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.