when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.