Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

More like Kate Missington.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.