when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“what that mouth do?” complain
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
That’s commitment
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.