When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals