Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

cats when you pet them too long:

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

A new level of troll.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

I can’t stop watching this.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

so no one told you life was gonna be this way