Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

my sentiments exactly

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*