Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway