Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human