Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Sooo many times…..

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Saturday

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.