Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

I didn’t know they can drive…

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

There is no “we” in chocolate.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

orange cat behavior

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.