When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
reminder
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
There is no “we” in pizza
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
<- sleeps well with others
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal