Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m aging like a fine banana

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.