When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
(Gaming support cat.)
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
When the stylist spins you back around
fourth time’s the charm
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.