Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Sign of the day..

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

no one likes gloating

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp