When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.