Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]