When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0