When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I wanna be friends with this person
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.