@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

- @ThisOneSayz

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@weezeebee

If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.

@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

@simoncholland

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@KeetPotato

[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”

@ericsshadow

COMMERCIAL:

[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@shutupmikeginn

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

@Cycloptomese

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.