@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

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@I_am_carbs

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@Book_Krazy

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

@mdob11

Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@jonnysun

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.