When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!