When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.