Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.