when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller