when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Your secret is safeish with me
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
