Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

😩😩😩

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.