When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do