word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.
Don’t forget your birth control, friends.