@soturntaliens

When you start a business but you have a life also.

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@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

@RidiculousSheri

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

@HatfieldAnne

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

@rachelle_mandik

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@heidiknits

Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.