When you start a business but you have a life also.

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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom


Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.


Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS


Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.


My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.


i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it


[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.