When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
You Might Also Like
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
kids play hide and seek like
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money