When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Erm…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.