When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
We need to put an American base on the sun
My dream job is getting paid to dream
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
