Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?