When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
You Might Also Like
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Howl 😭
How to woo a woman
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*