When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Put a ring on it
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots