When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.