When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.