Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

the saddest jazz hands ever

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?