When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad