When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You Might Also Like
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know