Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: