when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.