Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.