When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri