When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!