When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
peak technology
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
#DesignFail
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.