Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

me to God

LMAO.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

she has a point

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight