When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Why are bridges so flammable.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married