When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
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My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”![]()
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office