My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.