when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”