when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You Might Also Like
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
