When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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Why font matters.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice