Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Important reminders

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

I can’t be the only one 😂

Happens to everyone.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”