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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I hate everything
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Oh, I bet you would be
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
there’s music for literally every activity
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.