Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.