Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.