When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
scrabbled eggs
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.