When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason