When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
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Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Writing, She Murdered.