When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby