When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
