When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.