When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
hackers play passwordle
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.