Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

?

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.