When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.