Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia