When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
In space, no one can hear…
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now