When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
We’ve all been there…
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”