When you try jalapeños for the first time
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“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.