When you try jalapeños for the first time
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.